Daniel85

Just kidding!

I like how the kids have Indy and Toht refer to that one figure as “Cairo Swordsman” as if that’s his actual name.

And the shot with the mother setting a picnic table in the background is a nice touch. Very thoughtful for a standard 30-second “these kids are playing with our toys, you should too” 80s toy commercial.

1) Why the hell were these made?

No really, I mean, what kind of fucked up world are we living in where stuff like this gets produced?

2) Why… did I… *wince* buy them?

I guess I can answer #2 with the fact that I was sort of in a Star Wars collecting frenzy in the wake of Revenge of the Sith when these abominations came out. The last marketing push behind the last Star Wars movie; I just got kinda caught up. Understandable, right?

Anyway, I just found them in a box in the garage, and believe me– they’re on eBay as we speak. I want them out of my house.

Still leaves the question of the very existence of these figures unanswered, though. They’re clearly just for loser collectors (like me), but they were still sold in the toy section at a department store. No kid would want them! Maybe that’s not true, but I just don’t want to imagine a kid who’d want figures of baby Luke and Leia. I dunno, I guess you could have a bunch of stormtroopers or bounty hunters capture the babies, and then have your heroes chase them across the galaxy (your backyard) to retrieve them. Okay, that’d actually be kinda cool.

Found these at K-Mart today. The Zizzlingers have been around for a while, in Marvel Heroes and Disney Princesses form (good ol’ gender duality reinforcement!) but I never really had any interest in buying them at the exorbitant price of $9. The lure of getting a miniature Maccus was too strong, though, so naturally I picked up a pack of the Pirates version.

From Zizzle, the same company that gave us the cool POTC action figures, Zizzlingers fall under the broad heading of ‘novelty toy’. Basically you throw them into water, they fizz and dissolve and shoot lasers all over the fucking place like the ship in The Last Starfighter, and then after the show you’re left with a couple of little character statuettes.

I like how they’re not giving you the option of collecting them all. They’re actually telling you exactly what you can do. “You know what, kids? You can just fucking collect them all.”

After hacking through the cardboard and plastic (the packaging is locked up like Fort Knox, but I guess they need to do that to stop scumbags stealing them outta the pack on the shelf), you’re left with this little paper bag that you’re supposed to chuck in a bowl of warm water, like so…

It fizzes away for a minute or so, and then, from the crystal blue depths:

Duh-dun. Duuuhhhhh-dun. Da-dun da-dun da-dun da-dun duh. Yeah, Jaws theme, sorry.

Yes! I fucking got three! You get either two or three figures in each pack, and paying $3 for each shitty little plastic dropping is slightly less soul-crushing than paying $4.50.

I love how calm and halcyon the water looks after all is said and done. It reminds me of the Blue Lake up in Mt. Gambier… such a beautiful place. It also kinda looks like the water in the Isla Cruces scene from Pirates 2, with the sugary white sand and all.

No Maccus for me.

I got Elizabeth Swann, Governor Swann, and some pirate named Ogilvey. Elizabeth looks nothing like Keira Knightley, the Guv’nuh looks like Captain Hook, and Ogilvey looks like he’s carrying a boombox. I guess even pirates like to cut footloose every now and then.

It’s also some kind of game, apparently. It’s like a more complicated version of Paper-Scissors-Rock, each figure with an animal symbol printed on the bottom.

Why does every collectible/toy have to be a fucking game these days? Fucking Pokemon, man. Kids used to just make up their own epic toy battles and adventures, but now it’s all pre-programmed with rules and shit.

I posted before about how enamoured I was of Maccus, the hammerhead guy, when I saw POTC2. In fact, seeing how awesome he looked in the trailer was one of the main reasons I went to the movie. The other was because I’d come across the action figures in K-Mart a month or so before the movie was released, and decided any movie that spawned an action figure of a guy with squid tentacles on his face and a lobster claw for a hand was a must see.

I liked the original POTC just fine, but the sequel slammed the ball right outta the park. Davy Jones and his scurvy crew, the Kraken, that awesome sword fight on the island… so much coolness.

Maccus does not like photographs, because they haven’t been invented yet.

The Pirates toyline is put out by Zizzle, a relatively new toy company that does mostly licensed stuff, and that weird-ass iPod creature that looks like Orbity from The Jetsons.

I was pretty disappointed that there wasn’t a Maccus action figure available in the first wave of the collection. Another company, NECA, did put out a highly-detailed, collector-focused line that included Maccus, but toys being made for adult collectors really goes against my philosphy. I like toys because they’re toys. They don’t have to be works of fine sculpture, they just have to be cool and fun.

Anyway, after checking Zizzle’s website sporadically after the movie came out, I was ecstatic to learn that a Maccus figure was planned for the second wave of figures. There’s very little information or appreciation for Zizzle’s Pirates in the online toy community, so I had no idea when the second wave would make it down here.

I’d almost given up when it seemed that department stores had stopped stocking the figures, but then last week I came across a veritable bounty (arrr!) of Pirates toys in Target, hidden away behind the Bratz section. They had the second wave, so I searched through looking for my Maccus and eventually found one. It was the only one there, too, buried among multiple Jack Sparrows and Will Turners. I had to stop myself from doing an elaborate victory dance right there in the aisle.

The good thing about the Christmas season is that losers like me can go into shops and rummage through the toy shelves without having to put on a big act, like pretending you’re on your mobile phone asking what toy you’re supposed to be looking for, or muttering (loudly) to yourself, ‘Oh, he’ll like this!’ And then, going through the checkout, there’s none of that burning shame and murderous intent towards anyone who may snicker. I really should stop carrying a flick-knife. 

The packaging is really cool, with the die-cut scroll/treasure map look and the simple image of the burning Jolly Roger. Another great thing about this line is the filecards on the back:

All the great action figure lines have filecards. I like the cynical tone, too. ‘Major Possessions: Time and little else.’ That probably would’ve made me laugh my ass off as a kid.

That is an awesome ‘come get some’ pose.

All Maccus comes with is a battle-axe, which is kind of disappointing. The other figures come with multiple accessories, like removable tri-corner hats, pistols, and swords. I know it’s kinda hard to come up with accoutrements for a mutated freak who gets around in cut-off pants, but still… At least you can put the axe in his belt thing for storage, for when he’s just standing around shooting the breeze with the other freaky-deaky pirates.

His hands are perfect to pose for air guitar, or even… axe guitar! I bet he pulls that trick at sea-shanty parties. You’d have to find some way to amuse yourself when you’re cursed to roam the seas for all eternity.

P.S. Dear Santa, I want this for Christmas you fat fuck: