Daniel85

The Motown 25 TV special is best remembered for Michael Jackson introducing the world to the moonwalk, but to me the most interesting thing about that night (I speak as if it wasn’t aired two years before I was born) was when Lando Calrissian joined the Jackson 5 on stage for their reunion performance.

Marlon Jackson wasn’t available for the reunion, so the General (an old friend of the Jackson family) came along to help out. Check it:

Amazing how General Calrissian found time to learn all the Jackon 5’s songs and dance steps in between waging guerilla war on the Empire and feeding his gambling habit.

(Behind-the-scenes photo of father Joe Jackson guiding Lando the stage, under threat of violence).

1) Why the hell were these made?

No really, I mean, what kind of fucked up world are we living in where stuff like this gets produced?

2) Why… did I… *wince* buy them?

I guess I can answer #2 with the fact that I was sort of in a Star Wars collecting frenzy in the wake of Revenge of the Sith when these abominations came out. The last marketing push behind the last Star Wars movie; I just got kinda caught up. Understandable, right?

Anyway, I just found them in a box in the garage, and believe me– they’re on eBay as we speak. I want them out of my house.

Still leaves the question of the very existence of these figures unanswered, though. They’re clearly just for loser collectors (like me), but they were still sold in the toy section at a department store. No kid would want them! Maybe that’s not true, but I just don’t want to imagine a kid who’d want figures of baby Luke and Leia. I dunno, I guess you could have a bunch of stormtroopers or bounty hunters capture the babies, and then have your heroes chase them across the galaxy (your backyard) to retrieve them. Okay, that’d actually be kinda cool.

Star Wars and Christmas have a long, infamous history together. The Star Wars Holiday Special is pretty much the most mocked thing in pop culture, but even that begins to look like Citizen Kane compared to 1980’s ‘Christmas In The Stars, the Star Wars Christmas Album’.

Poor old Threepio and Artoo. They’re always roped into doing the crappiest promotional stuff. I guess it was a smart move on George Lucas’s part to make the droids such central characters, so that he could pimp them out for stuff like this that not even Mark Hamill would touch.

We know, Mark. We know.

Before the world fell in love with E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, R2-D2 was the man. Droid. Among several forgettable holiday ditties on the Star Wars Christmas Album, as well as one totally bizarre one (”What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb”), there’s a little gem that really sums up the general worldwide love for R2-D2… “R2-D2, We Wish You A Merry Christmas”.

This song is notable for lead vocals by a very David Cassidy-sounding Jon Bon Jovi (back when he was still known as Jon Bongiovi). I believe this album was actually his first professional appearance.

Like all good Christmas songs, this one has a little bit of opening dialogue to set up the backstory. C-3PO surreptitiously invites R2-D2 to ‘plug into the central computer’ (euphemism?). The dialogue is peppered with the kind of pseudo-scientific lingo found throughout all Star Wars… stuff like ‘phase vector’ and ‘quaver converter’ (I didn’t make those up, they’re in the song).

The lyrics run from hilarious to even more hilarious, with such lines as “Our chimney’s big and round, so you can come right down” and “We’ll go in by the fire, and warm your little wires”.

In between those Bon Jovi-sung bits, there’s a choir of children singing ‘R2-D2 we love you, it’s true!’ It really is true, though. Who doesn’t love Artoo?! No redeeming message of peace or harmony or joy to the world here, just sheer idol worship. Great stuff.

The song ends with C-3PO on the verge of actually admitting his endless love for R2, but instead choking it back and saying ‘Merry Christmas’ instead. I think Threepio’s favourite Beatles song is George Harrison’s ‘I Want To Tell You’.

But don’t take my words for it, you have to hear this masterpiece for yourselves…

Click to plug R2-D2, We Wish You A Merry Christmas.mp3 into your sockets!

(The Rapidshare download thing is not as complicated as it looks. Just click on the ‘Free’ button and then wait for the countdown to end so you can download it.)

Mighty Chewbacca,
What is your bandolier for?
I think… sandwiches.