Daniel85

Tommy over at Saturday Morning Central has declared this third month in the year of our Lord twenty-oh-seven to be ‘TMNT Month’ in celebration of the return of green to the silver screen. (I like how the colour green is permanently associated with the TMNT to we early-20somethings. That and the word ’shell’. Not to mention pizza and sewers.)

Anyway, Tommy suggested that some other bloggers get on the TMNT Month bandwagon (or should that be Party Wagon?), and seeing as I’m not doing much else around here I figured why the hell not.

Tommy wrote up an article on TMNT toys he sadly lost to that bane of any nostalgic soul, the garage sale. It’s a tale we all know, pawning off your future memories for the instant gratification of a few bucks. Ohhh, Voltron… why did I let you go?

The only TMNT thing I still have from my childhood is this framed print:

(Photographed on the mantlepiece of my old apartment along with fellow cartoon luminaries Lion-O, Gumby, Widget the World Watcher, and Ickis.)

I love that print. It was on my bedroom(s) wall(s) for years, eventually being taken down, but thankfully not sold off like all my other TMNT stuff. I found it in the garage a couple of years ago when I started getting nostalgic for the Turtles.

To me that picture is the Turtles at their finest, just chilling. My favourite moments in the original Turtles cartoon were when the bros were just hanging out in their cool sewer lair, chowing down on a clandestinely ordered pizza. Maybe it’s cos the sight of four anthropomorphic turtles seated at a table with a red-and-white checkered tablecloth was so incongruous and bizarre that it appealed to me. Maybe it’s just cos I liked pizza too, I dunno.

I’ve always liked that ‘downtime’ aspect in superhero stories, though. If I ever wrote a comic series it’d just be Cheers, but set in Manhattan with superheroes. Cos, you know, sometimes you’ve gotta go where everybody knows your secret identity.

So I was watching The Neverending Story the other day (and I think about Hook pretty much hourly) so I started wondering:

vs

Hmm?

They’re both badasses from family movies of the past. They both have cool singular names (I’m so naming my kid ‘Atreyu’ someday.) They both wear outfits pilfered from The Village People’s wardrobe trailer. They both have crappy bands named after them. Oh, and they both died in battle, except Atreyu got brought back to life by the kid from Seaquest DSV.

I dunno. I can’t decide. Atreyu has that cool horse (Artax), but Rufio has that sick (yeah, I just said sick) windsail skateboard. Atreyu gets to fly around on that pervert Falkor (”Ooh yeah. Scratch me there… little lower… liiiitle lower.”)

But, apparently, Rufio gets to detach his skateboard’s windsail and fly around like an Ewok:

So… cast your vote. Rufio or Atreyu? 

Funny stuff. Check out his Jaws one, too. Don’t bother with the Superman one, it’ll make you want to gouge your eyes out and destroy your eardrums with a blunt pencil.

Go and see this movie! Go tonight! Go tomorrow! I don’t care, just go see it.

It’s a wonderfully disturbing film that blends the lyrical beauty of the fantastic with some of the harshest realities of life. The fantasy element of the story is basically a grab-bag of every fantasy trope under the sun, but not in a bad Harry Potter way. (What? Back up that argument? Nah…)

The only problem is that it’s in Spanish (subtitled), which in itself isn’t really that much of a problem if you can read above a primary school level. No, the trouble stems from the fact that because of the film’s supposed inaccessibility to a mass audience, it’s only playing at trendy indie cinemas like Kino or Cinema Europa (at least in Melbourne), so you have to put up with saturnine hipsters who do things like laugh extra loud at Stella Artois ads (in French), just so everyone in the theatre knows that they understand French. True story.

I posted before about how enamoured I was of Maccus, the hammerhead guy, when I saw POTC2. In fact, seeing how awesome he looked in the trailer was one of the main reasons I went to the movie. The other was because I’d come across the action figures in K-Mart a month or so before the movie was released, and decided any movie that spawned an action figure of a guy with squid tentacles on his face and a lobster claw for a hand was a must see.

I liked the original POTC just fine, but the sequel slammed the ball right outta the park. Davy Jones and his scurvy crew, the Kraken, that awesome sword fight on the island… so much coolness.

Maccus does not like photographs, because they haven’t been invented yet.

The Pirates toyline is put out by Zizzle, a relatively new toy company that does mostly licensed stuff, and that weird-ass iPod creature that looks like Orbity from The Jetsons.

I was pretty disappointed that there wasn’t a Maccus action figure available in the first wave of the collection. Another company, NECA, did put out a highly-detailed, collector-focused line that included Maccus, but toys being made for adult collectors really goes against my philosphy. I like toys because they’re toys. They don’t have to be works of fine sculpture, they just have to be cool and fun.

Anyway, after checking Zizzle’s website sporadically after the movie came out, I was ecstatic to learn that a Maccus figure was planned for the second wave of figures. There’s very little information or appreciation for Zizzle’s Pirates in the online toy community, so I had no idea when the second wave would make it down here.

I’d almost given up when it seemed that department stores had stopped stocking the figures, but then last week I came across a veritable bounty (arrr!) of Pirates toys in Target, hidden away behind the Bratz section. They had the second wave, so I searched through looking for my Maccus and eventually found one. It was the only one there, too, buried among multiple Jack Sparrows and Will Turners. I had to stop myself from doing an elaborate victory dance right there in the aisle.

The good thing about the Christmas season is that losers like me can go into shops and rummage through the toy shelves without having to put on a big act, like pretending you’re on your mobile phone asking what toy you’re supposed to be looking for, or muttering (loudly) to yourself, ‘Oh, he’ll like this!’ And then, going through the checkout, there’s none of that burning shame and murderous intent towards anyone who may snicker. I really should stop carrying a flick-knife. 

The packaging is really cool, with the die-cut scroll/treasure map look and the simple image of the burning Jolly Roger. Another great thing about this line is the filecards on the back:

All the great action figure lines have filecards. I like the cynical tone, too. ‘Major Possessions: Time and little else.’ That probably would’ve made me laugh my ass off as a kid.

That is an awesome ‘come get some’ pose.

All Maccus comes with is a battle-axe, which is kind of disappointing. The other figures come with multiple accessories, like removable tri-corner hats, pistols, and swords. I know it’s kinda hard to come up with accoutrements for a mutated freak who gets around in cut-off pants, but still… At least you can put the axe in his belt thing for storage, for when he’s just standing around shooting the breeze with the other freaky-deaky pirates.

His hands are perfect to pose for air guitar, or even… axe guitar! I bet he pulls that trick at sea-shanty parties. You’d have to find some way to amuse yourself when you’re cursed to roam the seas for all eternity.

P.S. Dear Santa, I want this for Christmas you fat fuck:

Anyone seen any good movies lately?

My parents just bought a massive LCD TV that is totally beyond their means, but the good thing is that we got a book full of Video Ezy coupons with it. Free weeklies and new releasies galore.

Between that and the fact that when you rent from Video Ezy, there are more free offers on the back of the receipt, we won’t be paying for a DVD rental for the next ten years. Coincidentally, that’s probably how long they’ll be paying off the TV. Badoom. 

I’m usually way behind the times on watching movies, but thanks to our glut of freebies I’ve been catching up on a few recent (and not so recent) movies. I’m going to write paragraph reviews of them, just because I feel like it.

Secret Window. This was fucking awesome. It’s as if Alfred Hitchcock and David Lynch had a little movie baby. It’s based on a Stephen King novella, so the story is pretty predictable, but that doesn’t detract from the pleasure of it. Johnny Depp’s and John Turturro’s performances are both brilliant. I don’t usually take much notice of film scores, but the music in this movie really impressed me. That’s not surprising; I checked the back of the DVD cover and the composer was Phillip Glass, the guy who scored Koyaanisqatsi. And heck, I love writers writing stories about writers writing stories.

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. More Johnny Depp. Not gay or nothin’. I really don’t know what to think of this movie. It’s hard to objectively approach a ‘remake’ (perhaps re-adaptation would be a better term in this case) of a film with an imposing legacy. There’s either the Gus Van Sant route (shot-for-shot remake), or the ’something a bit different’ route,  like Tim Burton tried with this. I’m usually a fan of Tim Burton’s Weirdness™, but it seems like he just phoned this one in. There were some good bits, though. I liked the backstory about Wonka’s childhood, and the whole Jon Benet Ramsay thing with Violet Beauregard. One thing that really stuck in my craw was how Mike Teevee was updated into a video game addict, but his come-uppance in the factory was still the same. It would have been better if there was some kinda video-game thing Wonka was working on, maybe a Pac-Man clone with candies and chocolate bars instead of dots.

Cars. This was okay. Standard Pixar fare. I think I liked it better when it was called Doc Hollywood, though.

Over The Hedge. Brilliant. I usually hate CGI funny animal movies, just because there are so many of them and they’re all the same. This was refreshingly different. The visual comedy was some of the best I’ve ever seen in a CGI movie, and the writing was fantastic. “Mmmmthat’s good satire.” (I forget what episode that’s from, but it’s a Simpsons quote.)

In Good Company. I quite liked this. Dennis Quaid was hilarious, Scarlett Johansson was hot, and Topher Grace was Eric Forman. It’s gonna be interesting to see how he goes with something meaty in Spider-Man 3, although I don’t really care as much as some Spider-Fans. I always thought Venom was stupid anyway.

Ultraviolet. I wish it was really ultraviolet, so I didn’t have to see it. Little spectrum humour for you there, folks. This movie sucked. I have nothing critical to say about it, so I’m just going to make up snarky puns to show how derivative it is. More like… ’X for Mendetta’! More like… ’The X-Matrix’! Hah!

Speaking of the mutants… I don’t really want to admit this, but I still haven’t seen X-Men 3. By all accounts, I should be thankful for that. I’m a glutton for punishment, though, so I’ve got it ready to go on the ol’ LCD tonight. Wish me luck.

And I repeat: anyone seen any good movies lately?

I was just tooling around YouTube, and came across the old Disney Pictures logo:

I could watch that on repeat all freakin’ day. Takes me right back to the early 90s, sitting in a darkened movie theatre seeing some masterpiece like Beauty & The Beast, The Lion King, or Aladdin. It used to send chills up my spine.

That logo animation was introduced in that most magical of movie years, 1985 (Back to the Future, Weird Science, The Breakfast Club, Teen Wolf, etc, etc) and ran through the 90s before being replaced earlier this year with the new CGI logo that ran with Pirates of the Caribbean 2. I do  like the new animation, because it preserves the salient elements of the old one (Sleeping Beauty castle, the opening of ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’), but it’s just a bit too busy for a production company logo. I prefer ‘em simple.

I’m actually unsure if that old logo was still in use up until the debut of the new one, cos it’s been so long since I’ve seen a Disney movie in a theatre. I remember there were a few variations of it for Disney/Pixar movies.

Anyway, enjoy that little piece of history from a time when the phrase ‘movie magic’ still meant something.

Took my little sister to see Monster House yesterday. Pretty good for a 2000s-era kids’ movie, and it was nice to see a computer animated film that doesn’t involve talking penguins or giraffes for once. 

I also caught the trailer for Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, which means that the Christmas season has officially begun. (Checks watch.) And a little earlier than usual.

Oh, and I’m never going to Village again. They have like 45 minutes of ads and trailers before the feature now.

Anyway, I got to thinking about scary moments in children’s movies. And that led to thinking about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; specifically the boat ride on the Wonkatania.

I first saw Willy Wonka in Grade 1, and was thoroughly disturbed by that scene. Gene Wilder’s performance is awesome, and his little spoken word jam on the boat is probably the high point of it.

So… what moments in the kids’ movies of yesteryear scared the Skittles out of all-o’-y’all?

(Jules, you can’t use Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II…)

*Yes, I know I didn’t come up with it, but it’s so funny.

Currently drinking: Carlton Draught.
Currently listening to: New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle.

Just thought I’d do the drinking/listening thing as an homage to Crommo, who has now entered the blogosphere (here’s hoping he doesn’t burn up on entry!).

Anyway, I went along and saw Snakes On A Plane yesterday.

Naturally, I grabbed a bag of Allen’s snakes as my confection for the event. I would’ve preferred a King Python, but the Safeway next door to the cinema didn’t have those.

I really enjoyed SoaP. It was just a fun, unpretentious action flick in the tradition of the 80s and 90s summer blockbusters. Equal parts action, disaster, comedy, horror, thriller, star vehicle, creature feature all wrapped up into one awesome high-concept package. You look up postmodern in the dictionary, and there’s a picture of a snake wrapped around a fuckin’ 747.

One of my favourite aspects was the lampooning of current cultural arche-/stereotypes. The Paris Hilton type chick with the chihuahua (I thought it was Alicia Silverstone, but it was actually the chick who took over her role of Cher Horowitz for the Clueless TV series), the rapper with delusions of royalty (Three Gees/3Gs), and the ‘extreme’ kid hopped up on Red Bull, just to name a few of the more obvious ones.

Speaking of the chihuahua chick- I hated that pompous old dude until he threw the dog to the boa constrictor. If I ever wrote a book called “Fuck Yeah Moments In Cinema”, that’d be in it, along with the Knuckle Puck from D2: The Mighty Ducks, and the President’s speech in Independence Day. 

And, oh God, the product placement! This movie is like the E.T. of the 2000s with regard to product placement. PSP, Nintendo DS, eBay, Red Bull, Playstation 2, XBOX… and whatever else I missed. If kids from this generation ever get nostalgic for the 2000s (and I don’t see why they would, cos the 2000s got nothin’ on the 90s and 80s) they’ll just have to track down a vintage DVD of Snakes On A Plane to get a sense of the zeitgeist of the decade.

Probably my least favourite thing in the movie (and this goes for pretty much all Hollywood cinema these days) was the overuse of CGI. Before the snakes were unleashed, when they were just slithering around in those mood-establishing sequences, they looked really, really fake. I’m talking 1930s King Kong fake. It wasn’t so noticeable in the ’fight’ sequences in the coach cabin, when they were latching onto tits and dicks and eyeballs and stuff, but it was really bad in those earlier scenes. I wish they’d just used real snakes or even animatronics for those bits, and left the CGI for the action scenes. It’s just another exhibit in the case of Craftsmen vs Computer Nerds in special effects, Judge Me presiding.

I should probably wrap this up. I’m not saying Snakes On A Plane is the new Citizen Kane or anything, but it is an entertaining, original (yet very much rooted in what has come before- postmodernism rules, bitch) film, which is more than I can say for most contemporary Hollywood cinema. 

I’ve probably blogged about my birthday enough already, but I couldn’t let another week go by without blogging about one of the coolest presents I received- the 15″ Stay Puft Marshmallow Man figure from Ghostbusters. Check him out in all his fluffety, puffety glory:

That is one awesome chunk of plastic. There’s a bit of a backstory behind me and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but I’ll leave that for another time. Suffice it to say that this was a heartfelt and much appreciated gift.

To the intense discomfort of my guests, no sooner had we finished eating and caking than I whipped Stay Puft ‘out the box’ (as the rappers say) and started making a photocomic (or a “fumetti”, as we comics nerds call them).

For your entertainment and edification, I present the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Spider-Man, and the Konami Code in…

PIZZA GLUT!
(You’ll probably want to enlarge the pics to read the word balloons.) 

Less than half an hour later…

I love happy endings.