Daniel85

Great winter drink, or greatest winter drink?

You decide.

What’s not to love? It’s cheesy, it’s easy… it sounds kinda like Mac And Me. Perfection.

(Too bad it’s only a prop.)

Hey. How ya been? I’m back for now. It’s summer/winter movie season, which means crass promotions galore, and y’all know I’m all over that shit.

So… apparently there’s a third Shrek movie coming out, as a quick trip to any supermarket will confirm. I don’t even like the Shrek movies that much (gutter humour, reliance on celebrities whose cachet faded at some point in the 90s, etc), but I do have to respect a marketing campaign based on turning stuff green. It appeals to me on some deep level, what can I say?

Shrek’s got his disgusting, slimy mitts on everything at the moment, including Arnott’s Royals. If you’ll allow me to chase down a bit of a tangent for a moment… what’s up with Royals? No-one ever buys them. I have this weird thing about snack products that no-one seems to buy. No-one buys those “Cheds” savoury biscuits either, but they’ve been around forever.

Royals are good, I guess, although I probably couldn’t eat more than two without passing out from a sugar overload. It’s just that I never go to someone’s house and they’re like ‘Arnott’s Royal?’ to which I respond heartily ‘Yes, please!’ No-one buys em. Just an observation.

Check out that smug look on Shrek’s face. I can just imagine him with his pseudo-Scottish accent… “I’m tarning all your favourite looxury foods green, and there’s nowt you can do aboot it!’ (Okay, that was more like a mix of Irish and Liverpudlian and other random tongues of the British Isles. I apologise to our colonial forebears.)

What I like to do when I eat a Royal (on the rare occasion that I do, because as I’ve stressed, no-one ever buys them) is kind of break the chocolate shell to reveal the undulating mass of marshmallow beneath. It’s fun, try it.

Even more fun when the marshmallow is a sickly Nineties green. Lovely.

I couldn’t find any Gobbledok ads on YouTube, so I uploaded one myself.

Tell me that ad didn’t terrify you as a kid. I always thought there was just one Gobbledok, but the voiceover implies that there are hundreds of them, everywhere, lurking behind couches across Australia!

I still won’t touch Smith’s products due to unpleasant Gobbledok associations. There was a life-size cardboard cutout of the Gobbledok in the spare room at my grandparents house. I had to sleep there. Yyyyeaaahhh…

Hey, remember Lites?! Whatever happened to them? And Ruffles! Oh, my god, Ruffles! I need a life. 

I know the Gobbledok is supposed to be cute, but he just looks like some bizarre hybrid of an Ewok and a Firey from Labyrinth (thanks to Laura for that spot-on comparison). He also reminds me of the creepy aliens from that early 90s Aussie kids’ show, The Miraculous Mellops. I’m probably the only person who remembers that show, so I don’t know why I’m bothering to reference it.

“WHO ATE THE LAST SCOTCH FINGER?!”

It tears families apart. I’ve seen it.

Everyone has their favourite, and god help the family in which two or more members have the same favourite biscuit when mum brings home a pack of Arnott’s Assorted.

In my house, the Shortbread Creams are always the first to go. Then the Scotch Fingers. The Monte Carlos slowly dwindle, because they’re everyone’s secret, guilty pleasure. No-one will admit to liking them, but they’ll always sneak one if they can. They’re so indulgent, so decadent. Even the name makes you feel like Gatsby.

I don’t know why Arnott’s added choc chip cookies to the Classic Assorted line-up, cos really- who the fuck knew that Arnott’s even made choc chip cookies? And to make matters worse, their official name is ‘Farmbake Chocolate Chip Cookies’, just to give them that sheep station, Banjo Patterson, cup-of-tea-with-grandma flavour.

I also hate that they gave Teddy Bear biscuits the arse from the Classic team. The Teddy Bears were like the team mascots. It’s a travesty, and I’m seriously thinking of calling Today Tonight about it. Who’s with me?!

Assorted Cream has a good lineup, apart from those goddamn Delta Creams and Kingstons. There’s no sadder sight than a tray of Assorted Cream emptied of everything but the Kingstons and Delta Creams. Don’t any of you dare tell me you actually like those things. The only good thing about them is that when you’re a kid the adults generally leave them untouched, so you get them all to yourself. Even if they suck; doesn’t really matter to a greedy kid’s undiscriminating palate.

There’s not really any big difference between the Cream and Classic rosters. I mean you might as well just get the Classic, cos you get the two best Creams anyway (Monte Carlo and Shortbread). You do have to take into account the Orange Slice, though. Everyone loves an Orange Slice. They’re just so tiny and cute and orange. Like a Nickelodeon Oreo.

So… what’s the Arnott’s Assorted situation like at your house? Forget it, let’s just talk about James Sherry and What’s Up Doc and K-Mart shoes and Peter Combe.

Remember these little suckers (hah!)? 

I honestly didn’t think they made ‘em anymore, but no, I saw a box of them in K-Mart this morning.

I remember the freak on the wrapper being distinctly less creepy when I was a kid, though. I guess they’ve changed since then.

What kid didn’t enjoy annoying the fuck out of their parents trying to play ‘Old MacDonald’ on a Melody Pop? 

I always thought the concept of a lollipop you could bust out a tune on was pretty cool. Too bad I never had any musical talent, though. I could never make the axe sing. Oh well, at least they tasted good. Strawberry!

The stick was kind of useless after you’d eaten the whistle-shaped candy part, but I used to keep them anyway. They made good extendable weapons for action figures. “Oh, what’s that Skeletor? You think my staff is a little short? Well check THIS OUT!”

Why do we have Red Rooster? No-one ever eats there.

Never have I heard this conversation: “What about McDonald’s? KFC? Pizza, could you eat pizza? Hey, how about Red Rooster?” No-one. Ever. Eats there.

Red Rooster is to fast food what Harris Scarfe is to department stores. Completely useless, past its use-by date… an anachronism. I don’t understand why either of these chains still exist.

I’ve been to Red Rooster once in my life, and it wasn’t even for the food. When The Rescuers Down Under came out (in 1990), Red Rooster had a promotion with little bendy plastic figurines of the main characters. I was obsessed with the movie, and I really wanted the figure of Wilbur the Albatross. I got it, of course, cos I was a manipulative, greedy little shit.

The only thing I know about Red Rooster’s food is that they put pineapple slices on everything. Chicken? Chuck a pineapple slice on it. Potatos and gravy? Pineapple slice.

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m just randomly venting at this fast food chain that has never harmed me in any way. It’s just that I was reading a list of the stores that are opening up in the new shopping centre that’s being built in Leopold (Gateway Plaza… I guess because Leopold is the gateway to the Bellarine Peninsula or something), and Red Rooster was on the list.

I’ll be honest, I was pissed. Rumour had it that we were getting a Hungry Jack’s. You’d be pissed too if you were led to believe your neighbourhood was getting some Hungry Jack’s action, and then you found out that no, you’re getting a fucking Red Rooster.

Even kids know Red Rooster is bullshit. I was in the Bourke Street Mall a few weeks ago (and Hooly can corroborate this story…) wasting time in that downstairs McDonald’s while waiting for a train. Now, there’s a Red Rooster down there too, and as I was leaving, heading up the stairs I heard this kid coming down say to his mum ‘No mum, that’s RED ROOSTER!’ This kid seriously thought his mum was trying to pull a fast one on him, promising a Happy Meal but instead delivering whatever half-assed “Kid’s Pack” they have at Red Rooster. (I’m sure there’s pineapple involved, whatever it is.)

Another snippet of conversation you’ll never hear: “What, Red Rooster again? You had that last night!”

The Milky Way Banana Whip has been out for a while, but I never got around to reviewing it because, let’s face it, when you buy a Milky Way there’s no way that fucker gets home alive. Hell, if I ever impulse-buy one I usually inhale it before I even get back to the car.

But anyway, through some awesome feat of will power I managed to bring one home today for review. Here ’tis: 

I haven’t seen any advertising for the Milky Way Banana Whip, so it must be one of those things that the foodglomerates just throw into the marketplace and hope for the best. Another lost opportunity for monkey marketing…

The ‘Banana Whip’ inside the chocolate is strikingly reminiscent of yellow snow, which isn’t too appetising…

Still, it tastes pretty good. Almost like a mixed-up mouthful of those banana lollies that you’d NEVER get enough of in your 50c bag of mixed lollies, and those little ‘chocolate buddies’ that you’d always get TOO MANY of. Oh, how I hated those chocolate buddies.

If the first Secret Wars series was notable for just one thing (the debut of Spidey’s black costume), then Secret Wars II should have its own big drawcard, right? Some might say that it’s the fact the series spawned one of the worst covers in the history of comics, but for me it’s the debut of the world’s only CCCP-approved superhero, Thundersword! 

For those who came in late, the story of Secret Wars II is basically that this all-powerful entity from beyond our universe (The Beyonder) has manifested himself in a human avatar on Earth to learn all about our quaint little ways. In his innocence/stupidity, he gets into all manner of hijinks, and one of his first acts is to bestow superpowers upon a hack writer of Saturday morning superhero cartoons who, like all Hollywood writers, is secretly a dirty commie.

With his newfound powers, Thundersword goes on a rampage at a McDonald’s Family Restaurant (or its Marvel doppelganger, McBurger, which appeared in a few issues in the 80s but has unfortunately fallen out of use) spewing all kinds of anti-Ronald rhetoric:

(From Secret Wars II #1, July 1985, Jim Shooter & Al Milgrom)

 I must admit to laughing out loud at the ‘you deserve a break today’ line. Way to appropriate bourgeois tools like advertising jingles for the use of the Proletariat!

Of course, if this were published today, Thundersword would have to shout “I’m lovin’ it!” as he tore apart a McDonald’s restaurant. Still wouldn’t be as funny as Spider-Man stealing a guy’s Mcdonald’s, though.

I should probably make a joke about Thundersword’s being a superhero and the title of Super Size Me, but I can’t be bothered. Just pretend I did.

P.S. Secret Wars was notable for more than Spidey’s costume, being a milestone in mainstream comics publishing history and all. I was just being flippant.

Found these in K-Mart this morning. 

There’ve been a lot of new limited edition M&M’s colours in the last couple of years, but this is the first to have an actual purpose other than dirty moneymaking. Mars has jumped on the ‘make food products disgustingly pink for breast cancer fundraising’ bandwagon, along with Masterfoods’ tomato sauce and Mount Franklin bottled water (among others).

Don’t get me wrong; I support breast cancer. I mean… the fight against it. Not the disease itself. I just don’t wanna see pink ketchup. That’s gross.

That sultry siren Miss Green is on the bag, declaring ‘I’m a lover and a fighter!’ You go, girl!

The pinkness has been diluted by the inclusion of white M&M’s. I guess Mars realised it would be too weird to have an entire bag of pink M&M’s.

Okay, I’ve done my bit. Now the existence of pink M&M’s is confirmed for posterity. Maybe this blog entry will settle a stupid argument about M&M colours in 20 years.