It takes green marshmallows to get me blogging again…
Hey. How ya been? I’m back for now. It’s summer/winter movie season, which means crass promotions galore, and y’all know I’m all over that shit.
So… apparently there’s a third Shrek movie coming out, as a quick trip to any supermarket will confirm. I don’t even like the Shrek movies that much (gutter humour, reliance on celebrities whose cachet faded at some point in the 90s, etc), but I do have to respect a marketing campaign based on turning stuff green. It appeals to me on some deep level, what can I say?
Shrek’s got his disgusting, slimy mitts on everything at the moment, including Arnott’s Royals. If you’ll allow me to chase down a bit of a tangent for a moment… what’s up with Royals? No-one ever buys them. I have this weird thing about snack products that no-one seems to buy. No-one buys those “Cheds” savoury biscuits either, but they’ve been around forever.
Royals are good, I guess, although I probably couldn’t eat more than two without passing out from a sugar overload. It’s just that I never go to someone’s house and they’re like ‘Arnott’s Royal?’ to which I respond heartily ‘Yes, please!’ No-one buys em. Just an observation.
Check out that smug look on Shrek’s face. I can just imagine him with his pseudo-Scottish accent… “I’m tarning all your favourite looxury foods green, and there’s nowt you can do aboot it!’ (Okay, that was more like a mix of Irish and Liverpudlian and other random tongues of the British Isles. I apologise to our colonial forebears.)
What I like to do when I eat a Royal (on the rare occasion that I do, because as I’ve stressed, no-one ever buys them) is kind of break the chocolate shell to reveal the undulating mass of marshmallow beneath. It’s fun, try it.
Even more fun when the marshmallow is a sickly Nineties green. Lovely.
I’m trying to think what that green marshmallow reminds me of. At first I was reminded of the Bog of Eternal Stench but then I cut open a Shreck Royal and dropped four of my pet turtles and a rat in it…It’s fucking Mutagen I tells ya!
Lol. 90’s green. See TMNT, Toxic Invaders, Captain Pollution etc.
I like to smash Royals on my forehead whilst pretending I’m strong and brave.
I was commenting to a mate the other day how much I love Cheds but never think to buy them. I think that, along with Royals, Cheds are seen as a non-growth market, kinda like WD-40. They (proprietors of said goods) can spend ziltch on marketing and old people and churches will keep the product viable.
I think also that Arnotts need second (maybe third) tier products that consumers aren’t too sentimentally attached too so they can piggyback shitty cross-promotions like Shrek-Royals. Call me crazy but I don’t think it would fly if they started trying to offload green Tim-Tams or BBQ Shapes.
Good point Ed, but there are also some first stringers getting Shrekked. Seen the Froot Loops?
It does seem a bit weird that they’d do a promotion for a kiddy movie with a product like Royals, which as you’ve said are almost exclusively in the church/old person domain.
I saw some Shreck mothballs and some Shreck Depends too…
Don’t forget the new Shrek lawn bowl decals. I like that word, ‘decal’. I’ll take any opportunity I can get to use it in conversation.
Transformers used to have decals…And the one you rub to see if they were decepticons or autobots.
You know what else is neat to say? ‘Felt Tip Funbook’. Just call ‘em textas though, seriously.
Lick and stick…
Oh! I just realised that the Transformers didn’t have decals, they had ‘transfers’…I guess they are called that because you ‘transfer’ the stickers from the sheet to teh transformer…
Do you have to put on a radiation suit to eat these Royals? Are they safe to handle?
Good to have you back Obét
I love Royals but they’re almost too good to buy. They’re kinda like contraband. It’s too naughty to buy them, but I’m gonna grab a pack next shopping trip that’s fo’ sure. Probably down them all on the drive home, get a bit nauseous going over the 6 steep speedbumps and have a solid munting session once I get out of the car… Fun.
My god that snap thing is shite! The image of my blog that appears is over a month old!
Hahahahaha! Those Shrek guys are as shameless Lucas himself. Still I love me some green Shrek popcorn!