Daniel85

Despite being universally hailed as one of the most frustrating games of all time, the original TMNT game on the NES does have one thing going for it: the instruction manual is a work of literary genius.

Just read the introductory prose piece:

PREPARE TO SHELL OUT SOME PUNISHMENT

Steam rises from Wall Street sewers like hot breath from a pack of wild dogs. Just below the pavement’s puddle strewn surface, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TM) have gathered around the leftovers of a family-reunion-sized sausage pizza with extra sauce. Usually these party dudes would inhale the mozzarella platter as if it were the last “‘za” on Earth, but not tonight.

You see, only hours ago, their trusted friend, April (TM), was kidnapped from her mobile news van by the vile, ruthless, terrorist bully SHREDDER (TM)! He’s a Slice-O-Matic crum, a villain more vicious than an army of mind altered Bruce Lees.

With their lovely cohort held hostage, the fearless foursome must concoct a way to rescue April before Shredder brain washes her into joining his Ninjitsu Foot Clan. They’ll combine this treacherous task with the mission they’ve been on since their mutated beginnings- to thrash Shredder and capture his Life Transformer Gun, the lone piece of technology that can turn their rat friend, Splinter (TM), back into the man he used to be.

So take control of these heroes in a half shell, and either claim total victory over New York’s premier Kick Man… or lead them onto the menu at McTurtles (Home of the Quarter Flounder with Cheese).

Brilliant! The first paragraph, anyway. Puddles, steam, sewers, pizza! It’s totally Turtles. ‘Turtles’ is actually an adjective that describes just how reminscent of TMNT a street, building, or urban tableau is. You should all start using it in everyday conversation. Example: “Melbourne Central is pretty Turtles. I half expect to be jumped by a group of Foot Soldiers every time I wait for the 3:09 to Glen Waverley.”

But yeah, that first paragraph is masterly. It paints such a grim, foreboding portrait. The Turtles don’t wanna eat pizza? What’samatterthem?!

Some of the terms are pretty questionable, though. Hands up if you’ve ever heard the slang term “‘za” for pizza? How do you even say that? Is it “zah” or “tsah”?

And what the hell is a “Kick Man”? It sounds like a generic enemy from a side-scrolling beat-em-up like Double Dragon or something. Yeah, you got Kick Men, Punch Men, those gay Cartwheel Men…

The McTurtles thing is just silly. I think maybe Michael J Fox’s coked-up writer character from Bright Lights, Big City got a job writing manual copy for Konami. Why would they serve a Quarter Flounder at McTurtles anyway? It’s fish, and the real McDonald’s already has the Filet-O-Fish, so it’s not that much of a stretch. God, I know it’s only for kids, and kids are dumb, but JESUS. That is the worst pun ever, based on the most tenuous analogical link the writer could make.

To go from that brilliant first paragraph to ‘Quarter Flounder with Cheese’… I just don’t understand it. Couldn’t he just have fallen back on the old standby ‘Turtle soup’ line? I’m mad.